Caring for Complaining or Bossy Family Member
Practical Tips to Improve Communication When a Loved One is Sick
Jul 7, 2009
Caregivers of a family member are challenged when the ill person complains or is demanding. Try these helpful hints to improve communication and quality of care.
Providing care for a sick family member can be physically and emotionally challenging, but stress can dramatically increase if the person needing help tends to constantly complain or is demanding. This behavior can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, bitterness, and burnout, which often perpetuates the negative cycle. The 2007 edition of North Carolina Nurse Aide 1 [Thomson Delmar Learning] offers several helpful tips for caregivers, and many of these are mentioned or expanded below.
When to Seek Immediate Help
- Step away from the situation and seek immediate help if you feel that you are in danger of being abused or abusing your family member.
- If you feel that behaviors are related to medications or a medical condition, communicate your concerns and seek medical advice immediately.
Use Good Listening Skills
- Make direct eye contact, unless prohibited by cultural boundaries.
- Reduce distractions if necessary.
- Listen carefully and verify that you understand correctly. “Let me make sure I understand what you are saying. Did you say _____?” You may find it more effective to use their exact words than to paraphrase.
- Notice his non-verbal communication. Watch for cues that might indicate that he is becoming aggressive.
- Acknowledge his feelings. If you are weary of caring for him, he may be just as weary of needing the care.
Use Effective Speaking Skills
- Make direct eye contact, unless prohibited by cultural boundaries.
- Get on her level. For example, if she is in bed, sit in a chair beside the bed.
- Encourage her to use hearing aids, glasses, communication boards, etc. as appropriate.
- Ensure that your non-verbal cues are saying what you want them to say. Maintain an open body posture. Avoid crossing your arms or placing your hands on your hips.
- Use understandable words.
- Be honest.
- Do not make promises that you cannot keep.
- Prepare her in advance if your time is limited.
- Do not argue.
- Recognize that ill people may be in various stages of grief, and emotions such as anger are common. Try not to take it personally.
- Give positive feedback when the person is not complaining or demanding.
Search for Underlying Causes of Behavior
- Some demanding or complaining behavior may originate from other issues, such as feelings of fear or frustration.
- Identifying and dealing with underlying issues may help resolve the demanding behavior.
If the Person is Demanding
- If he seems to have an endless number of requests, encourage him to write down needs as he thinks of them and that you will assist with those needs at an agreed upon time, unless it is truly a need requiring immediate attention.
- Avoid doing things for the person that he can do for himself. Explain what you will do and then encourage him to actively participate to the extent that he can. A variety of assistive devices, including specially designed eating utensils, mobility and communication aids, and specially trained service animals, may help him to become more independent.
- Offer choices that show respect and encourage him to maintain as much control as possible.
- Remind him of boundaries. You may wish to use a statement such as “When you say/do ____, I feel ____” if you feel that his behavior shows a lack of respect toward you or others.
If the Person is Complaining
- Address legitimate complaints.
- Offer alternatives and let her make choices regarding her care. She has the right to refuse care if she is competent to make decisions.
- Ask for suggestions. You might say something like, “I see that this is not working well. Do you have any suggestions for how we might do it better?”
- Look for an underlying cause to unjustified complaints and attempt to correct the cause if possible.
- Remain neutral if she is complaining about someone else. You may suggest something like “Have you spoken with ____ about your concerns?” If not, offer to help by saying something such as “Would you like for me to tell ___ about your concerns on your behalf or would you prefer for me to set up a time for you to talk with ____?”
- Offer to obtain help for her, such as counseling. Chronic complaining can be a sign of depression or other psychological issues.
Address Your Own Needs
- Seek additional help from family members, friends or services available in your area. Even a few hours a week can make a big difference in stress levels. If cost is an issue, search for agencies that offer low-cost or no-cost alternatives.
- Find an outlet for yourself. You may find it helpful to read, write, exercise, spend time with others, or enjoy other hobbies or healthful habits.
- If you have tried numerous options with little or no improvement, you may wish to discuss other options for your family member’s care.
Effective Communication and Self-Care May Help You and Your Loved One
Caring for a family member who complains or is demanding can be very difficult and stressful. Utilize these tips to help improve communication and provide better care for your loved one because burnout, neglect, and abuse can develop if unhealthy interactions continue.
The copyright of the article Caring for Complaining or Bossy Family Member in Seniors' Health/Medicare is owned by Katrena Wells. Permission to republish Caring for Complaining or Bossy Family Member in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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